If the very thought of giving a hand job immediately cues flashbacks to the earliest, most meet-me-under-the-bleachers-after-study-hall days of your sexual career, we get it. But hear us out on this one: hand stuff is among the most criminally underrated sex acts out there, and the art of the handy is one well worth perfecting, regardless of your age or sexual experience level. Whether you’ve literally never handled a dick in your life or it’s been a minute since you doled out your last handy to your high school BF, there’s a lot more to learning how to give a hand job—like, an actually good hand job—than you may think.
Which, hi, is why we’re here to spill all the dirty details and top-notch techniques you need to perfect your hand job game. And trust, these are skills worth mastering. Because while the classic hand job is often written off as merely one of the first bases toward penetrative sex, the days of goal-oriented, PIV intercourse as the end all be all of intimacy are sooo over. Not only are hand jobs a perfectly valid (and downright hot) standalone sex act in their own right, but they’re also super versatile, says sexologist Danielle Simpson-Baker, a member of The Pulse, The Honey Pot Company's panel of expert advisors.
“Hand jobs can stand on their own as a great way to increase intimacy between partners, especially if it's done with some edging, eye contact and a little dirty talk,” says Simpson-Baker, adding that hand stuff can preface or follow other sex acts, or even be incorporated into other forms of sexual play, including oral and even penetrative sex.
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That’s why, according to sex therapist Kate Balestrieri, PsyD, founder of Modern Intimacy, manual stimulation (aka the more formal term for a handy), is such an important part of erotic play for folks of all ages and experience levels.
“Using your hands allows you to stimulate your partner’s penis with movements and sensations that penetration cannot replicate,” Dr. Balestrieri says. “They are totally different experiences.”
Basically, hand stuff can be a super hot, super stimulating sexual experience for everyone involved. So if you're game to get a little handsy, here are 36 of the best, expert-recommended hand job tips out there. But first, let’s make sure we’re all clear on what we’re talking about here.
What is a hand job?
If you’re brand new to hand stuff, don’t worry, it’s pretty much what it sounds like. “A hand job is basically using your hand to masturbate or otherwise sexually stimulate your partner's penis, balls, and/or taint (aka the perineum),” says Simpson-Baker. “Hand jobs can be pretty great alone, but it's not uncommon to have a hand job precede or even follow other sex acts.”
How do you give a hand job?
As with any sex act or position, there are all kinds of ways one can go about doing hand stuff—which, ahem, we’re about to get into. But as for the basics, here’s how to give a hand job:
“Move your hand down to your partner's penis and allow your hand to explore, running it slowly over the head and the shaft and down to the balls,” says Simpson-Baker. “Take the shaft of their penis into your hand and start stroking, holding it firmly but not so much that your partner is in pain. Go slowly at first while gauging their feedback. Move your hand up to the head of their penis and massage it with your hand for a bit before moving back down to stroking the shaft.”
And there you have it! Now that we’ve got the basics down, let’s get into some more detailed tips on perfecting the fine art of the hand job, shall we?
1. Make eye contact.
It doesn't matter what type of sex you're having—eye contact is like an all-encompassing sexual secret weapon. "Checking in with your partner through eye contact tells them you are connected with them [and] their pleasure," explains Dr. Balestrieri. "[That] you're attuned, invested." We don't mean have a staring competition with your playmate, but long, lingering glances and a few smoldering looks will go a long way during a HJ. Plus it's très hot to look in the eye of the person you're pleasuring (and vice versa). Try it!
2. Experiment with different stroking patterns.
Sure, a hand job is a hand job is a hand job. But there are various ways you can mix up your standard stroke. Here: a few expert-approved options, courtesy of certified sexologist Tyomi Morgan, founder of The Cowgirl Workout:
The Glans Polish
Hold the shaft of the penis firmly in one hand and use the palm of the other hand to rub around the head of the penis as if you are giving it a polished shine with lube. Start slow and increase the speed of the motion.
Two Hands Up Stroke
Use both hands to gently stroke the penis in an upward motion from the bottom of the shaft to the head, following one hand after the other.
Palming
Place the head of the penis inside of the palm of the hand and wrap the palm around it to grab and stroke the head in an upward motion.
3. Try an arousal serum.
While the importance of lube can't be overstated (pls see #12), one of the most fun—and multitasking—ways to elevate a hand job is with a stimulating oil or lube. Dr. Balestrieri highly suggests Trojan's Arouses + Intensifies lube because it not only gives a pleasurable warming/tingling sensation (that reviewers say results in extremely "intense orgasms"), but it's also condom safe! You need to use lube anyway, so you might as well use some that'll result in firework-style climaxes, ya feel?
4. Massage their thighs.
Before just grabbing onto the shaft and going at it, Dr. Balestrieri suggests starting instead by massaging your partner's inner thighs. This area is extremely sensitive, she explains, and by rubbing the thighs, you can "build a heightened anticipation for pleasure." Try casuallyyyy sweeping over the penis until you hit the belly button, then start again at the inner thighs, working in broad circles. If your partner seems super receptive to the thigh touch, Dr. Balestrieri says to rub the area *while* stimulating the penis to add some extra sensation.
5. Or give them an all-over rubdown.
If you have the time or simply want to make things even more erotic, certified sexologist Sara Tang suggests viewing the hand job as more of a sensual massage experience by giving your partner a full rubdown. Grab some oil or lube and start by massaging your partner’s back, butt, and feet. This helps warm up and prepare the entire body, Tang explains. “As you glide over their skin, begin focusing more and more attention on the penis.”
6. Get turned on.
Yup, feeling sexually excited yourself will actually make your handies even better, says ASTROGLIDE resident sexologist Jess O’Reilly, PhD. “The more aroused you are, the more naturally everything will flow,” she explains. “Your enthusiasm will be palatable, so make sure the pleasure is just as much your own as your partner’s.”
7. Watch them masturbate.
Your partner probably knows some of their favorite ways to be touched, and an easy way to mimic that is by literally just watching them masturbate, says international sex educator and creator of the Sex Hacker Pro Course Kenneth Play. If you’re both comfortable with it, a lil show and tell can go a long way.
8. And pay attention to their technique.
As your partner's going at it, Taylor Sparks, an erotic educator and founder of Organic Loven, suggests making a mental note of the types of strokes they use and areas they focus on.
“Do they stay more to the top around the head of the penis or full stroke top to bottom, or somewhere in the middle with shorter strokes? [Your partner] is your best teacher on how they love their penis stroked,” she explains. You don’t have to do the exact same thing, but you’ll def want to play off of what you see they already like.
9. Don’t overcomplicate it.
Yes, it’s obviously fun to explore and experiment with different motions and techniques, but there’s no pressure to think too far outside the box. “Remember, they've probably been doing this for a while, so no need to reinvent the wheel,” says Simpson-Baker. “Feel free to switch up your speed, intensity, pressure, and stroke every so often,” but don’t go overboard.
10. Bring on the applied pressure.
During penetrative sex, the walls of the vagina or anus kind of hug the penis, giving it a nice tight feeling, explains sexologist Malika O’Neill, founder and CEO of The Pleasure Collective. When giving a handy, keep this in mind and try to mimic that feeling by wrapping your hands around their penis and gradually increasing the pressure.
11. But be mindful of your grip.
“It shouldn't be so tight that you're hurting them, but a limp grip won't feel good,” says Simpson-Baker. Again, everyone has different preferences—quite literally, different strokes for different folks—so make sure you check in with your partner to see what feels good.
12. Mimic what you like.
If you have a penis, chances are you already have a good idea of what feels good. If you’re a vagina owner, you can still apply some of the same techniques to your partner that you use on yourself. O’Neill suggests using the same amount of pressure and speed you’d use to rub your clitoris to rub your partner’s shaft.
13. Get vocal.
The real secret to a great handy is to figure out exactly what your partner wants. Sex educator Jennifer Rahner says simply asking what they like is one of the most efficient ways to become a pro. Whether your partner prefers lots of lube or just a little (uncircumcised people sometimes enjoy stimulation without lube, says Rahner) or if they like a light touch or firm touch, the best way to figure it out is to ask. O’Neill suggests asking something like “Does that feel good?” or “Would you like it tight?” to get the ball rolling.
14. Make it a lil less stale.
So, hand jobs can sometimes seem like a checklist item, but that’s the exact wrong way to go into giving one. Sparks suggests giving a hand job with the purpose of de-stressing and pleasing your partner. “There’s no reason why blow jobs should get all the glory when hand jobs can be just as pleasurable,” says O’Neill.
15. Also hi, hello, please use lube.
“The number one hand job tip is lube, lube, lube,” says Sofiya Alexandra, co-founder and co-host of the Private Parts Unknown podcast. Too much friction is a hand job’s main nemesis, she explains, so it’s a good idea to always have lube on hand, and don’t be afraid to apply it so you can skip any awkward dryness.
16. Or maybe don’t use lube.
Listen, usually we are 100% pro-lube in all sexual situations. Generally speaking, we are team Use Lube and Then Use Even More Lube all the way. But every penis-haver has their own personal preferences when it comes to how they like their hand jobs. “Some people like the friction while others report that a dry hand job is uncomfortable, so ask your partner what they'd prefer,” says Simpson-Baker.
17. Get their balls involved.
Try some light ball massage if your partner is into it. The amount of pressure will depend on each person, but don’t shy away from touching their balls, as it can be super pleasurable for them—and make you feel like a sexual rockstar. Playing with your partner’s balls during a hand job is a common tip both O’Neill and Dr. Balestrieri give others to improve their handies.
18. And don’t be afraid of a little perineum play…
…Assuming your partner is into it, of course! Not everyone is comfortable with perineum stimulation, so make sure you ask first and get consent before you go there. If they give you the green light, feel free to let your hand wander a little further down if you’re feeling adventurous, says Simpson-Baker.
19. Compliment them.
Everyone likes a compliment, so be sure to let your partner know how much you admire them. “Tell your lover if their penis looks good, tastes great, feels amazing in your hands or mouth,” suggests Tang. “Some people have a lot of insecurities around their genitals, and it helps to relax and reassure them to know that you are enjoying the experience and not judging them for their size or shape.”
20. Use both hands.
If you’ve exhausted the one-hander, try getting all fancy with two hands. Sex and relationship expert Emily Morse, host of the Sex With Emily podcast, says to try the two-handed twist: Stack both hands on their shaft, one on top of the other. Then, twist your hands slowly in opposite directions, taking time to vary the pressure so you’re also gently stroking and squeezing.
21. Get a rhythm going.
O’Neill suggests using an up and down stroking motion up the shaft of your partner’s penis, and then twisting your hands ¼ either way. Once you can tell your partner is about to climax, focus the pressure more toward the head of their penis. O’Neill also recommends using long “milking strokes” once your partner reaches climax.
22. When they’re getting close, just keep doing what you’re doing.
You know how sometimes you’re hooking up with someone and you’re getting close, and then as soon as you tell them you’re about to come they suddenly switch it up on you and now you’re, well, not close? Yeah, that can happen during hand jobs too. Early on, by all means, try out different strokes and techniques, but once you’ve gotten into a good rhythm and can feel your partner is about to orgasm, just “keep doing exactly what you're doing,” says Simpson-Baker. “That is not the time to switch it up.”
23. Treat it like an entree, not an appetizer.
It might be called a "job," but no one wants it to feel like one, no matter if they're the giver or the receiver, explains Dr. Balestrieri. "Try to take a position of wanting to please your partner, and channel the enthusiasm you hope they’d put forth when it's your turn to receive," she says. Just like you don’t like it when someone goes down on you for 15 seconds and pops up like, “you good?” people don’t generally like it when you give their dicks three rapid tugs and then move on to something else.
You can always, always, change your mind about what you do and don’t want to do during sex, but if you’re down to HJ, make it a fulfilling moment in your sex sesh and not just a checklist item.
24. Use ~natural~ lube...
Aka your spit. It won’t be as long-lasting or slick as the stuff you get at a store, but in a pinch, it’s an economical (and sexy) way to cut down on friction. And there’s no bigger hand job fail than friction. And yup, you can literally just spit on it. It's somehow v sexy, so just go with it.
25. Make it a combo BJ/HJ.
The best blow jobs are those that incorporate the hands, and the same goes for the mouth during hand jobs. It helps you accomplish the previous point about natty lube, and it also gives your hands and all their tired muscles (from, you know, holding a phone all day) a rest.
26. Make it a (consensual!!) surprise.
A huge benefit of a hand job is that it can be done sneakily. We’re not exactly condoning or encouraging doing handies in public places, but if you wanted to get a HJ going while you’re sitting side-by-side on the couch watching a movie, that would be good and acceptable.
27. It’s all mental.
Jacqui Oliver, a psycho-sexual relationship consultant, says to get your partner started by having them imagine the hot and heavy stuff that’s about to go down. Don’t be afraid to talk dirty! Getting into the right mindset can turn second base from a pit stop to the actual destination.
28. Hold it steady.
Oliver says to make a “V” shape with your thumb and pointer finger to support the base of the penis and add slight downward pressure. This holds the penis in place as it becomes erect so it doesn’t “bounce” around too much.
29. Stretch it out.
Apply some lube in your other hand, and slowly stretch out the length of the penis with your other hand (your thumb should be pointing down towards the balls). Once your lubed hand nears the top of the penis, you can bring your support hand up and repeat the same slow stretch. Repeat until you’re both impressed by your hand dexterity.
30. Use your fingers.
Sure, it’s called a hand job, but using your finger pads to create a delicate touch can be super stimulating and unexpected. Antonia Hall, a psychologist and relationship expert, suggests using the pads of your fingers and lubrication to glide up and down your partner’s shaft.
31. Keep an eye out for their sweet spots.
Hall explains the frenulum (under the tip of the penis), the perineum (area just beneath the balls), and the base of the penis are three sensitive spots to pay extra attention to. You’ll want to make sure you stimulate these areas somehow.
32. Read their signals.
Just because you’ve asked them what they like, it doesn’t mean you can zone out and just phone it in until they climax. You’ll also want to pay close attention to their body language during stimulation. “Listen to your partner’s body—their breath, their noises, the way they move,” says Rahner. “These can all show signs that you’re on the right track.”
33. Free up a hand.
First, you’ll need a really good silicone lube because duh = more movement, more lube. We’re big fans of Lelo’s lube as it feels hella luxe and the bottle is basically a work of art. Once you’re lubed enough, try seamlessly bringing your hand from the base of the shaft up and over the head, squeezing gently on the head, and then working your way back down. Morse also suggests using your other hand for stimulating yourself (and putting on a bit of a show).
34. Focus on the head.
Go ahead and reapply your lube here, because you want things very lubed up when you’re stimulating the head of the penis. Morse says to use one hand to stroke from the base to the head, and then using your other hand, gently squeeze and play with the head of the penis.
35. Make yourself comfortable.
No good partner wants you to get a weird cramp in your wrist, and you’ll enjoy yourself way more as the giver too if you know that you don’t have to stay glued in one position until completion. Sure, they might be soaking it all up, but you’re the star of the show here.
Morse suggests playing around with your own positioning as you pleasure your partner so they can see all of you at different angles. “You can have them lie down while you sit up and pleasure them, or you can have them stand up while you sit beneath them,” she says. “There are an infinite amount of positions to try, and don’t forget the art of the tease!”
36. Let them finish on you if it sounds hot to you.
Tang says one of the hottest ways to cap off a hand job is to offer a part of your body (e.g. breasts, tummy, neck, face, or even feet) for them to cum on—if it sounds hot to you too, ofc. “And don't race for the tissues or jump straight into the shower,” she adds. “Tell them how much they turned you on. Take their penis in your hands and give it a gentle caress. Give them a deep, lingering kiss.”
Rachel Varina is a full-time freelance writer covering everything from the best vibrators (the Lelo Sona) to the best TV shows (The Vampire Diaries). She has over 10 years of editorial experience with bylines at Women's Health, Elite Daily, Betches, and more. She lives in Tampa, Florida, but did not feed her husband to tigers. When she's not testing out new sex toys (100+ and counting so far!), she's likely chilling with her dogs or eating buffalo chicken dip. Ideally at the same time. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter.
