Sound the alarms, fam. Only 35 percent of hetero millennial men are frequently going down on their partners, according to recent research. This. Is. A. Travesty. Because unless you’re among the small crew of women who can get off from penetration alone (#Jealous), you likely need some mouth play in order to get yours.
But apparently, that’s a lot to ask of dudes? Especially younger ones: An exclusive new poll by Cosmo and SKYN Condoms found that some men aren’t even attempting oral sex until later in life. Fourteen percent of 18- to 22-year-olds said they “don’t think it’s necessary.” And nearly 50 percent of 18- to 27-year-olds are more comfortable having sex than they are giving oral (compared to 32 percent of 28- to 32-year-olds). Here’s what’s up with guys not going down.
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MEET CUNNILINGUS’S ENEMIES...
There are at least three big ones. The first, you can probs guess: Sex ed in the U.S. sucks. “Our culture is sex-phobic, steeped in female sexual disempowerment, and doesn’t provide accurate or honest sex education,” explains sex and intimacy expert Chris Donaghue, PhD. Students are lucky if they’re taught how to put on a condom; it’s a pipe dream to hope they’d also learn that oral sex can feel amazing to the female anatomy.
Movies, TV, and porn aren’t helping either (unless lots of men start watching Euphoria, where they’ll see from high schoolers Ethan and Kat that mouth moves are ev-er-y-thing). “TV still isn’t about female pleasure, so sexism remains baked in,” says Carol Queen, PhD, sexologist at Good Vibrations. On the rare occasion cunnilingus does make it onscreen, “it isn’t easy to see what’s happening,” Queen adds, so it hardly serves to educate.
Then there’s the rise of hookup culture, which tends to be “rooted in having a quick orgasm and not in meeting a partner’s needs,” Donaghue says. Pair this race to the finish with our finding that 37 percent of dudes ages 18 to 22 won’t go down on a woman if they “don’t know her well enough,” and it’s no wonder situationships aren’t oral-heavy.
Still, the saddest issue is that many young women are led to believe (from ads, the personal care aisle, or even their partners) that their vulvas are gross or smelly or should come with a Do Not Ingest warning label. Our own survey found men citing “it’s nasty,” it “smells bad or is too wet,” and “it’s hairy” as reasons they won’t go down on someone. (Seriously, men. DO BETTER. It’s not like blow jobs are always a treat....)
These harmful rumors can cause so much anxiety and shame that many young women aren’t even asking for or wanting to receive oral, confirms Queen.
...AND ITS ALLIES
Important PSA: Not *every* dude is afraid to put his mouth where his mind is. In our survey, men wrote responses like “Women are a treat, they are supposed to be pleasured” and “Giving oral is as much for my enjoyment as it is for hers.” Excellent points, fellas—because as soon as young guys realize that getting a woman off can be even more exciting than their own orgasm, everyone will feel more satisfied, okay?
Our poll also found that the more men understand oral sex, the more skilled they eventually become. Fifty-one percent of guys 33 and older believe they can make their partner orgasm during oral, compared to only 41 percent of men ages 18 to 22. TY, maturity. “As we get older, pleasure in sex becomes particularly significant because we’re not fucking just to fuck,” explains Queen. “And as intimacy grows, it becomes easier to have these conversations about pleasure in the first place.”
HOW TO WIN (WITH YOUR PANTS DOWN)
If you find yourself with a guy who’s not yet clued in to the fireworks his tongue can ignite between your legs, there are a couple of ways to bring it up. You can try the educational take: “I saw on Twitter that trying to make a woman orgasm without direct clitoral stim is the same as trying to make a man come without touching his penis,” suggests Queen.
You can also get hands-on if you’re more of a shower. “Play with yourself and make your partner watch,” suggests Alex B. Porter, author of The Cunnilinguist. “Use your fingers to guide him before he even sets lips on you.”
Other times, you’ll simply need to get real. “It may take saying, ‘I don’t think you understand what I need to get aroused enough to orgasm. Let’s try something else,’” suggests Queen. If your partner is receptive to this, great. But if you find he doesn’t really care, you may need to reevaluate your sitch. “You should decide if you’re comfortable moving forward with someone who sees your desires as unimportant,” explains Donaghue.
Basically, the Full House–style ending to this saga is this: Regardless of whether your dude is fresh out of icing his friends at his frat house or on his third grown-ass job, life’s too short to go without enjoying oral sex. You may have to coach him a bit, but any man who actively seeks your pleasure as much as his own is one to keep around.
[Hey, cutie. Just wanted to let you know that this story originally ran in our October issue, so if you like what you see, you should probably snag a hard copy ASAP. Bye!]
Taylor is one of the sex and relationship editors who can tell you exactly which vibrators are worth the splurge, why you’re still dreaming about your ex, and tips on how to have the best sex of your life (including what word you should spell with your hips during cowgirl sex)—oh, and you can follow her on Instagram here.