Unless you’re with your partner 24/7 (which, unlikely!), odds are you exchange texts throughout the day. And like with any conversation, when emotions are running high, those texts might sometimes become…heated and not in a good way. Enter: fighting over text, aka fexting, which you’ve probably experienced a million times before without knowing there was an actual term for it!
ICYDK: “Fighting over text in a romantic relationship can look like a back-and-forth exchange of angry or hurtful messages,” explains sex therapist Martha Tara Lee, PhD, founder of Eros Coaching. Oftentimes, fexting also involves accusations, blame, and negative emotions conveyed via text because you’re unable to communicate in person, Lee says.
Fighting over text may also be characterized by a lack of words exchanged. This might look like asynchronous communication, for example, says sex therapist Jenni Skyler, PhD, director of the Intimacy Institute. Basically, you know that your partner has their phone handy, but they’re just choosing not to reply to you at all. Or when they do respond, they stonewall you with short, bare-bones answers.
All that said, you guessed it: Fexting is not the most effective means for hashing it out with your partner. This is especially true given that there’s so much room for miscommunication when texting, Skyler says.
But TBH, while it’s not ideal, because of long-distance relationships, working hours, or simply spending time apart with respective friends, fighting over text can be, at times, inevitable. That said, there are ways to make fexting more effective. You can even learn how to use it to your relationship’s advantage, according to experts. Here’s what they recommend to make sure that if you *must* fext, you’re doing it in the most productive way possible.
How Can You Tell if You and Your Partner Are Fexting?
As mentioned, fexting is fighting over text with your partner, and it can take a few different forms, Skyler says. You’re probably fexting if you notice any kind of….
- anger or hostility communicated through texts.
- passing accusations or blame for past or current events.
- hurtful name-calling.
- asynchronous responses and ignoring bids for connection.
- multi-text or paragraph-long messages expressing anger or wrongdoing.
- sadness or betrayal conveyed via text.
- feeling too shy to bring the topic up IRL.
- sending or receiving angry voice messages, photos, or videos.
The list goes on. But overall, the text exchanges have “an angry tone,” Skyler explains. And if you were to have them IRL, you’d probably be raising your voices, visibly upset, or even crying.
What Are the Pros and Cons of Fexting in a Relationship?
While fighting over text may be unpleasant (and oftentimes unproductive), there are some pros to it. For starters, texting gives you “the ability to take time to think about what you want to say before responding,” Lee says, which can be particularly helpful if you tend to blow up in the face of conflict. It also means you have a record of the conversation—if you need it for therapy, to go over with your S.O. in person, or just want to be able to track how the convo plays out for yourself.
That said, Skyler still recommends saving heated conversations for IRL or, at the very least, over phone or video call. “Fights are very vulnerable,” Skyler says. “No one wants to be in them. Defaulting to text is the easy way out and can be the result of cowardice,” she says. And while you might think that you’re escaping discomfort by communicating through text, odds are you’re just “making it harder for yourself because so much is lost in translation,” Skyler explains.
TLDR: When you’re fexting, there is so much potential for miscommunication, Lee says. You don’t have the context of hearing your partner’s tone of voice, seeing their nonverbal cues, being able to connect physically through touch, and much more. All of this can potentially exacerbate the conflict instead of helping you reach a resolution.
How Can You Fext Productively With Your Partner?
Circumstances like LDRs, disparate work hours, social plans, etc., make fighting over text inevitable at times (even if you don’t want or intend to do it!). Because of this, you should probably be prepared to fext productively when it happens in your relationship, no?
You can do so by using what Lee calls “I statements” instead of blaming language. For example, “I feel upset when you say X to me” or “I’d love it if you could do X instead of X.” It’s also great to take breaks when you need it, Lee says, even if you’re in the middle of fexting—just be sure to communicate you’re putting your phone down for a bit to your partner, first. Trust: Anywhere from 5 to 20 minutes can make a big difference in your response, Skyler says. You might come back more levelheaded than you thought.
It’s also best to avoid using texting language that could be interpreted as aggression or hostility, Lee says. For example, excessive use of all-caps or exclamation points might not get your point across the way you’d like. Most importantly, remember: Try to be as respectful as possible to your partner, Skyler says.
When Is It Best to Hash Things Out IRL?
A little bit of fexting can be fine, yes, but it’s still important to note when certain arguments would be best settled in person. For starters, if a fight includes a complex or emotionally charged subject matter for you both, wait to have it IRL—especially if it’s a recurring argument in your partnership.
Or if your relationship has a history of miscommunication when arguing over text, odds are you won’t see much progress the next time a conflict comes around. Instead, if it feels like a texting conversation is moving into argument territory, put a pause on the subject until you see each other in person or can pick up the phone to talk it out.
Madeline Howard is a writer, editor, and creative based in Brooklyn. Her work has been published in Esquire, Nylon, Cosmopolitan, and other publications. Among other things, she was formerly an editor at Women’s Health. Subscribe to her newsletter ‘hey howie’ at madelinehoward.substack.com.
