When you were born, in addition to getting a name, a birth certificate, and a bunch of generational trauma you’re currently working through in therapy (lol kidding, kinda), you were probably also assigned a gender. Throughout our lives, many people are either male or female based on how they look, what body parts they have, and/or what gender they were assigned at birth. But as our societal understanding of gender, identity, and sexuality continues to shift and expand, we now know that gender goes far beyond the binary “pink” or “blue” beanies doled out to newborns on the labor and delivery floor. The same way someone can be female or male, they can also be non-binary—a broad term used to refer to someone who does not identify exclusively as a man or woman.
Sex educator and social worker, Jillian Amodio, LMSW, says that when it comes to gender identity, “it is most common for individuals to identify as male or female, but there are a great number of people who do not identify as male, female, or a specific gender.” Their identity cannot be defined within the strict, binary categories of gender. Hence the term, “non-binary.”
It’s important to note that “non-binary” is a bit of an umbrella term, so there are many other gender identities, like agender and genderfluid, that fall underneath it, explains certified gender and sex therapist Rae McDaniel. This means that the way the non-binary identity is experienced varies from person to person. It can include people who identify with some aspects of binary identities—like feeling connected to a blend of both the male and female genders—while others may not identify with any gender at all. Regardless, it’s worth noting that “for many individuals, gender, gender identity, and gender expression change over time,” says Amodio.
According to a new study by the Williams Institute at UCLA School of Law, approximately 1.2 million people in the U.S. identify as non-binary—so yeah, definitely a larger number than you might have expected. And even if you don’t personally identify as non-binary, it’s not unlikely that you’ve met someone who does: 2022 data from Pew Research Center found some 20 percent of U.S. adults know someone personally who is non-binary.
Now more than ever, non-binary people are gaining visibility in the media and among the public. Celebs like Sam Smith, and Jonathan Van Ness have come out as non-binary, and in case you somehow managed to miss it, non-binary actor Sara Ramírez played the legendary Che Diaz, a non-binary comedian, in the Sex and the City reboot, And Just Like That....
Whether you personally identify with this label or not, it’s important to understand what it means to be non-binary because it’s a term—and a community—that’s here to stay. So let’s dive in a little deeper and get to know a bit more about life beyond the gender binary, shall we?
The difference between non-binary, transgender, genderqueer, genderfluid, and gender non-conforming
Some terms you’ll often hear alongside “non-binary” are “genderqueer,” “genderfluid,” and “gender nonconforming.” If someone identifies as genderqueer, it means they acknowledge that their gender is different, explains Courtney D’Allaird, assistant director of the Gender and Sexuality Resource Center at the University of Albany. (This term tends to be synonymous with “non-binary,” but not always.)
If someone identifies as genderfluid, D’Allaird says they mean that gender is a construct and at any point, theirs could shift between being masculine, feminine, or somewhere in between.
Then there’s gender nonconforming, which, according to D’Allaird, means someone doesn’t conform to societal expectations of gender—they dress and behave how they want regardless of traditional gender roles or stereotypes.
All these identities could absolutely fall under the umbrella of non-binary, but they don’t have to. For example, D’Allaird explains that a gender nonconforming person “could still identify as a gender and not conform to its societal expectations,” making them gender nonconforming but not non-binary.
As for what it means to be transgender versus non-binary, the Human Rights Campaign says that “while many non-binary people also identify as transgender, not all non-binary people do.”
The biggest difference is that non-binary people reject the entire gender binary system as a whole, while many transgender people still identify with being either “male” or “female,” says D’Allaird.
“My non-binary identity means that the label of ‘It’s a girl!’ I was given at birth didn’t feel like it captured who I was, but I also knew I wasn’t a transgender man,” says McDaniel. My gender identity is much more expansive than the choices we are given in the binary gender system.”
Another term you might hear in reference to being non-binary is “enby.” This is a colloquial way of saying non-binary (“n” plus “b”), McDaniel explains. However, not all non-binary folks choose to use this word. Be sure to check in with your friends and loved ones before using a label that may or may not feel appropriate to their experience and identity, says McDaniel. “Labels are only useful when we apply them to ourselves, so it’s important to listen to the words someone uses to describe themselves and then use those terms.”
Related terms:
What does identifying as non-binary look like?
There is no one way to be non-binary. “Non-binary doesn’t have to ‘look’ like anything. We think we see gender because we have stereotypes about what male and female people look like, and so often who we see as trans or non-binary is also based on those stereotypes,” explains D’Allaird. “Non-binary people are everywhere—many stand out because they are not worried about challenging and drawing other people’s attention to the societal boundaries we create for ourselves. Others are sitting next to us every day.”
That said, we’re lucky to have some great non-binary role models to look up to today. In fact, genderfluid clothing and/or androgynous makeup and fashion looks are “seemingly on the rise,” says D’Allaird. But that doesn’t mean *every* non-binary person expresses themselves androgynously, so don’t get it twisted. “Non-binary folks might express themselves as androgynous, feminine, or masculine at different times or blend aspects of traditionally masculine or feminine clothing and styles to find an expression that feels authentic to them,” McDaniel explains.
Whether you’re looking for community, examples of what it means to be non-binary IRL, or you simply want some fashion inspo, a few examples of non-binary celebs include (in addition to the ones mentioned above): Willow Smith, Jaden Smith, Alok Vaid-Menon, Indya Moore, and Ruby Rose.
Who are non-binary people attracted to?
Just like how not all non-binary people look a certain way, being non-binary doesn’t influence who they’re attracted to. That’s because non-binary is a gender identity, while sexual orientation refers to who someone is attracted to. “Non-binary people, like all people, can be attracted to lots of different identities and bodies. They can be attracted to anyone across the spectrum of identities,” McDaniel explains. “This is another place where it’s important to listen to how someone labels themselves and use those terms. It’s never cool to assume what someone’s sexuality is based on their gender identity or appearance.”
This means someone could be non-binary and heterosexual, non-binary and lesbian, non-binary and asexual—the options are pretty limitless.
While we’re on the topic of labels, though, McDaniel stresses that it’s important to remember that language is “inherently limiting.” While more gender and sexuality labels are being created to help folks feel seen, that doesn’t mean the gender and/or sexual orientation term someone chooses fully captures who they are. That’s where listening, asking questions, and accepting someone’s chosen terms—even if they’re not the terms you’d choose to describe them—is essential.
How to be a proud non-binary person
Just like there’s an honorary rainbow flag that represents the LGBTQ+ community as a whole, there’s also a flag dedicated specifically to those who are non-binary. The flag was created by Kye Rowan in 2014 and includes the colors yellow, white, purple, and black.
According to the late Robert Deam Tobin, PhD, a professor who taught courses in gay and lesbian studies and queer theory at Clark University, this particular flag is meant to “represent people outside the traditional gender binary, people with multiple genders, people with mixed genders, and people with no genders.”
There are also lots of ways for you to connect with other people who are non-binary, including Reddit threads, social channels, and tapping into resources at GLAAD and the Human Rights Campaign.
How to support friends or partners who are non-binary
There are a few ways D’Allaird suggests supporting non-binary friends and partners. First, and most importantly, believe them when they come out to you. Then do your own research on what it means to be non-binary (reading this article is a great start!).
The point of educating yourself is to relieve the non-binary person in your life from being forced into the role of educator. It’s not their job nor responsibility to teach you, but it is your responsibility as a friend and ally to stay informed.
Something else you can do is be sure to ask people their name and pronouns and then, you know, actually use those pronouns. (Tips on making more inclusive language a staple of your vocabulary below!)
D’Allaird also suggests doing your part to lift up the voices and experiences of non-binary people. An easy way to start is by following some non-binary people like @BreakTheBinary and @Kai_Wes on Instagram to continue understanding.
Tips for using gender-neutral language
Consistently using inclusive language is not nearly as challenging as your average Boomer makes it out to be, but it may still take some time to get used to.
Dakota Ramppen, certified relationship coach and sex educator, suggests practicing with people you know well and have close relationships with. “Practice using gender-inclusive language with friends to start building the muscle memory necessary to make this a part of your everyday life.”
If you haven’t begun making a habit of using gender-neutral language, you’re likely to make a mistake here and there. If (and when) that happens, don’t freak out. “Apologize, fix it, and move on,” says Ramppen.
Amodio recommends thinking about the many instances where we use non-gendered language throughout the day without even thinking twice about it. “You, you all, they, individuals, people, co-workers, colleagues, friends, classmates, students, peers, attendees, children, employees, etc. These are all ways in which we refer to people that have nothing at all to do with gender.”
Ultimately, creating a more affirming experience for everyone makes a huge impact. “Non-binary folks have often spent a lifetime making themselves smaller for the comfort of others,” McDaniel says. “Experiencing more gender freedom allows folks to go be, do, and experience all the other things they are meant to in the world instead of feeling shoved into a tiny box of gender that doesn’t allow them to be their best and most authentic self.”
Taylor is one of the sex and relationship editors who can tell you exactly which vibrators are worth the splurge, why you’re still dreaming about your ex, and tips on how to have the best sex of your life (including what word you should spell with your hips during cowgirl sex)—oh, and you can follow her on Instagram here.
Rachel Varina is a full-time freelance writer covering everything from the best vibrators (the Lelo Sona) to the best TV shows (The Vampire Diaries). She has over 10 years of editorial experience with bylines at Women's Health, Elite Daily, Betches, and more. She lives in Tampa, Florida, but did not feed her husband to tigers. When she's not testing out new sex toys (100+ and counting so far!), she's likely chilling with her dogs or eating buffalo chicken dip. Ideally at the same time. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter.
