Prepare to feel like a teenager again, because today we are talking about dry humping. In case you haven’t heard, the technical term for this kind of sex is ‘frottage.’ I know—what a fun, deeply unsexy word.
“Frottage is the French verb for ‘to rub,’” says Kristine D’Angelo, a certified sex coach and clinical sexologist. “It is the non-penetrative way to feel pleasure by rubbing body parts together for sexual stimulation.”
While frottage may sound delightfully retro, there are some important things we should all know about this less-explored sex act. First of all, it isn’t just for horny teens. Many of us grown-ass adults may engage in dry humping as a part of our larger sexual playtime for a number of reasons—including but not limited to the fact that frottage is, by-and-large, considered one of the safer sex acts.
But this raises an important question: Just how safe is dry humping? And what about pleasure? Because with all the talk of “dry humping causing blue balls” (lol), frottage can get a bit of a bad rap. But according to the experts, rubbing up against someone else’s genitals/thigh can actually be extremely satisfying. “Our skin is one of our biggest sensory organs, one that is richly filled with nerve endings and receptors. When we are touched in these ways, our brains release hormones that influence our feelings of attraction, pleasure, and bonding,” says Linnea Marie, a board-certified sex educator.
Also worth noting? The fact that while we may think of frottage as foreplay and/or an adolescent form of pre-intercourse sexploration, many people engage in dry-humping as a mainstay of sex—yes, like, sex-sex. For some, frottage may be one of the main events in a given sexual encounter—or maybe it’s the main event. Regardless, the most important thing to know is there is no wrong way to engage with sex as long as everyone is being safe and is a consenting adult. And so, without further ado, here’s everything you need to know about frottage, and how to make the most of it in your sex life.
Okay, So What Is Frottage?
Alright, so frottage is dry humping and all that, but what does that really mean?
Well, it turns out this is actually quite an expansive term, but the most important aspect is the friction. “Frottage can be done solo or with other partners,” explains Linnea Marie. “Many have heard of the term 'outercourse' before, but masturbation, grinding, dry humping, heavy caressing, or petting can [all] be considered frotting. Rubbing genitals together, caressing erogenous zones, and creating pleasurable friction is the goal of this activity.”
How It’s Done
Frottage can be done with or without clothes. This aspect can be a bit confusing, since the word “dry” implies you’re wearing clothes (or there’s some kind of barrier).
While the ways in which people get their frotting on will vary greatly from frotter to frotter (not sure if that’s a word, but we’re going with it), Dr. Lee Phillips, a psychotherapist and certified sex and couples therapist, says missionary is the most common position for this kinda activity. Positioned this way, the person on the bottom has their legs spread with their partner between them, allowing the genitals to line up for easy dry humping access.
Of course, the “best way” to do frottage is any way that brings both you and your partner pleasure. This may take place before other kinds of sex, be the main event, or one of several events that take place during a given sexual encounter. It may happen clothed, naked, or a mix. It may involve toys, role play, or different positions. It’s all about what works for you.
Is Frottage Sex Risky?
Dry humping is often touted as one of those sex acts that you can’t get an STI from. But how true is this?
While we can confidently say that, in most circumstances, it is pretty unlikely that you or a partner will contract an STI from frottage, there is some nuance to this discussion that deserves investigation. (Hi, there are almost zero universal truths, especially when it comes to something as complex as sex.)
The risk of getting an STI mostly depends on ~how~ you do frottage—specifically, whether or not you’re wearing clothing. Naked frotting = riskier frotting. “If there is skin-to-skin contact and body fluids present, there’s still a risk,” says Linnea Marie.
A few STIs, including herpes simplex 1 & 2 (HSV1 and HSV2), HPV, and syphilis (when open sores are present), are transmitted through skin-to-skin contact, and being aware of this can help you take precautions.
If you’re dry humping and you keep your clothes on, you’re in the clear STI-wise, as there is no skin-to-skin contact involved.
How to Frot Safely
When it comes to STI prevention, barrier methods are your best friend. Condoms and dental dams can reduce your risk. However, these methods are not 100 percent effective. If exposed genital skin is grinding against exposed genital skin, there is still a possibility of passing or contracting an STI.
Philips suggests trying Lorals. These FDA-approved latex “underwear” can be worn by vulva-owners to “block the transmission of bodily fluids [and] harmful pathogens.”
The thing we need to understand is that sex, like most things in life, comes with risks. We need to assess our own risk tolerance and decide for ourselves if we’re okay with it. No sex is ever 100 percent risk-free. Such is life. Getting tested regularly and being aware of (and transparent about) your STI status can keep you and your partners informed.
Lastly, Zachary Zane, author of Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto, warns us to be wary of the textures and fabrics on which we’re rubbing our tender bits. “You don't want to rub your genitals against, say, denim jeans,” he says. “That could cause a rash, or something akin to a rug burn.”
Yeah, ouch. As is true of all sex stuff all the time, if something hurts, stop what you’re doing and communicate with your partner.
Expert-Approved Tips for Frotting Like a Pro
Now, if you’re looking to get your dry humping on and want to do so in a way that feels as good as penetrative sex (if not better), it’s totally possible with a little creativity and artful maneuvering.
Treat Frottage With Respect (Even If It’s Foreplay)
Zane says frottage can be a hot way to warm up for more involved sex acts. “Frottage is such a fun tease and a great way to start being sexually intimate before you have penetrative sex.”
This means really getting into it. Slide up and down each other’s bodies, engage in deep kissing, and treat it like it’s part of the main event (because, hi, it is). Zane says getting some massage oils in on this can be super sexy (if you’re naked). Foreplay is tiring. Moreplay is where it’s at.
Be Aware of Friction
D’Angelo tells us to take care when it comes to friction. “If you’ve decided to keep your clothes on, make sure it’s a softer material with no exposed zippers, sharp edges or buttons that could create abrasions or fabric burn.” None of us need the vibe killed by a rogue zipper.
In fact, Linnea Marie says that if clothes are staying on, it’s best to consider wearing something cozy. “Wearing comfortable clothing or panties that move freely and glide effortlessly allows for more movement and stimulation to indulge in,” she tells us.
Lube, Lube, Lube
If you’re frotting naked: Lube is a MUST. “Really oil down your and your partner's bodies, and then start rubbing,” says Zane. This is also a great opportunity to experiment with different arousal serums and massage oils.
Bring on the Toys
Bringing in some toys can up the ante on all kinds of sex, but when you place one over the clitoris while bumping and grinding: HELLO!
As Always, Communication Is Key
If you're looking to explore frottage, Philips suggests considering the following questions as openers for conversations about frotting with your partner.
- Frottage makes me feel excited because…?
- What are the parts of my body I want to be rubbed?
- What parts of my body are off-limits?
- Do I want to be clothed or naked?
- What position do I want to be in and do I want to make out during the frottage session with my partner?
Frottage has never really had its moment in the spotlight as a verified sex act in its own right, and, frankly, that is a damn shame. It can actually be a very fun, relatively safe, and extremely pleasurable form of sex. Be safe, try new things, and have fun! Sex—in all ways, shapes, and forms—is far too fabulous to get bogged down by (often sexist, heteronormative) ideals of what it “should” look like. If rubbing up on someone sounds like a horny good time to you, then go forth and frot, my friends.
